Question

Concision Exercises

In addition, see “Editing for Concision." at the bottom for more explanation

Concision is the act of reducing the length of a passage, yet still conveying the important information from the passage. For example, instead of using a whole paragraph to introduce yourself, you might use only two sentences. Being concise also depends on being precise, which depends on clear thinking.

Watch out for the following:

The passive voice (Replace “The rules were amended by the secretary” with “The secretary amended the rules.”) This is an example of active voice.

Redundancies (Avoid phrases such as “future prospects.”)

Double Words/repetition (Example: He was tired and exhausted after his run.)

Needless phrases (Avoid using several words when one will work.)

Replace “at the present time” with “now.”

                             Replace “in spite of the fact that” with “although.”

                    Replace “a large proportion of” with “many” or “most.”

Clutter words (Cut empty modifiers such as “very” and “certainly” and “actually”)

Relevance (Include only the information essential to the purpose and meaning of each paragraph.)

Here is a short example—the underlined words are the “clutter words.” Many of these words are already implied, and therefore should be cut!

Lots of words... Decreasing the amount of background noise would be an important thing to do because the coffee house is used for a place of study as well as an eating establishment.

Fewer words... Decreasing background noise is important because the coffee house is used for study as well as for eating.

ASSIGNMENT INSTRUCTIONS: Using the guidelines above and in the textbook, condense the following examples. Write the best version possible, but try and avoid any substantial changes to the content. Keep the essential facts.

SKILLS: Make deletions, condense or join sentences, remove any confusing jargon, improve logic, add transitions, cut repetitions, redundancies, and wordiness.

Type your revision beneath each passage.

BEGIN YOUR ASSIGNMENT BELOW à

1. If an unexpected natural crisis such as a hurricane or earthquake would happen to occur, there is a definite possibility that even large hospitals could be overwhelmed. For example, in 2005, floodwaters from Hurricane Katrina inundated the urban city of New Orleans. Most of its various hospitals experienced power outages. Those power outages left the medical staff scrambling to care for the various patients who required life support. In fact, time wise, the particular situation at Memorial Medical Center was so desperate that they informed the National Guard and then requested their assistance to help with the problem. Fortunately, the National Guard responded and went ahead and delivered back-up generators to ensure that the Memorial Medical Center could stay in operation.

2. As a point of historical fact, NASA’s space exploration projects in the 1960s had a number of very specific goals. To determine whether or not humans could survive and endure the climate of deep outer space, for example, the Mercury Project was designed by scientists. In addition, the Mercury Project proceeded to test the capsule’s ablative heat shield and its potential ability to withstand the extreme temperatures that would be most certainly get generated when the capsule made the attempt to reenter the Earth’s atmosphere.

3. In the end, the consultant finally came to the conclusion that we should divide and break down our company into three main sections or categories to successfully develop a marketing philosophy. The first designated category of our company, Dalton and Henry LLC, will be the Residential Service side, while the second category of the company will be New Construction. Last but not least, the third section of the company will be Service Contracts.

  

4. The investigation of the office break-in was conducted by Detective Chandler. In the process of the investigation he discovered that the only missing item from the office was a file cabinet. The cabinet contained employee documents. But as a result of the fact that the windows were intact and the locks undamaged, he immediately suspected it was in fact an inside job. After his thorough and meticulous examination of the existing crime scene, Detective Chandler revealed that the likely culprit was in fact a former ex-secretary who had left the company after being fired for incompetence.

5. I am taking time to write this letter because I wish to apply to the U.S. Oceanic Institute and please be considered for the internship position. As it presently stands I am currently a marine biology major at the University of Miami. It’s at the university that my studies focus on marine microbes and their interactions with mollusks (but I also spent many hot summers months working as a waiter for a busy seafood restaurant). After I earn my bachelor’s degree, I plan to earn a master’s degree in statistics and then pick up “so-called” real world experience by seeking out and working as a marine field researcher for one of the multiple non-profit environmental agencies.

Answer 1

1. If an unexpected natural crisis such as a hurricane or earthquake would occur, there is a definite possibility that even large hospitals could be overwhelmed. For example, in 2005, floodwaters from Hurricane Katrina inundated the urban city of New Orleans. Various hospitals experienced power outages, which left the medical staff scrambling to care for the various patients who required life support. Memorial Medical Center requested their assistance of the National Guard to help with the problem. Fortunately, the National Guard responded and delivered back-up generators to ensure that the Memorial Medical Center could stay in operation.

2. As a historical fact, NASA’s space exploration projects in the 1960s had very specific goals. For example: the Mercury Project was designed by scientists to determine whether humans could survive and endure the climate of deep outer space. In addition, the Mercury Project proceeded to test the capsule’s ablative heat shield and its potential ability to withstand the extreme temperatures that would be generated when the capsule made the attempt to reenter the Earth’s atmosphere.

3. In the end, the consultant finally concluded that we should divide and break down our company into three main sections or categories to successfully develop a marketing philosophy. The first designated category of our company, Dalton and Henry LLC, will be the Residential Service side, while the second category will be New Construction. Last but not least, the third section will be Service Contracts.

4. Detective Chandler conducted the investigation of the office break-in. During investigation, he discovered that the only missing item from the office was a file cabinet. The cabinet contained employee documents. But as a result of the fact that the windows were intact and the locks remain undamaged, he immediately suspected that it was an inside job. After thorough examination of the existing crime scene, he revealed that the likely culprit was, in fact an ex-secretary who was fired for incompetence.

5. I am writing this letter because I wish to apply to the U.S. Oceanic Institute. Please consider me for the internship position. I am a marine biology major at the University of Miami. My studies focus on marine microbes and their interactions with mollusks. I also spent many hot summers months working as a waiter for a busy seafood restaurant. After I earn my bachelor’s degree, I plan to earn a master’s degree in statistics and then pick up real world experience by working as a marine field researcher for one of the multiple non-profit environmental agencies.