Question

how do we overcome exclusion

Answer 1

Accept what happened. Exclusion is not your fault, and a friendship breakup does not mean that you’re a failure or that you’re doomed to never have friends again. The good thing about the high emotionality of exclusion is that it is a relatively temporary condition.^[2] This means that once you accept your feelings of exclusion they will evaporate shortly, leaving you with a clear mind to act in response.

• Acknowledge feeling of anger and hurt toward whoever excluded you, but try not to dwell on them for too long. To help acceptance, remind yourself that these feelings are not permanent, but that they are teaching you something meaningful about the social world.
• The pain of exclusion temporarily interferes with your ability to connect well with others, so the sooner you let yourself feel the full range of your exclusion feelings, the sooner you can get safely back in the game to do something about them.
• However, the sting of rejection should not be ignored. Even though it is painful, it can send you a strong push to look elsewhere for connection or tell you that you should give up on a particular person or prospect.

Put the event in perspective. Sometimes events can truly clue you in to parts of your behavior that are problematic for other people. Usually though, we take rejection much too personally. Upsets like not getting the job you want or being rejected by someone you want to date actually has very little to do with the unchanging parts of your personality.

• Don’t make the experience into a catastrophe. Even if you have experienced exclusion or rejection before, understand that exclusion is not a negative judgment of your character. In reality, it's a sign of perceived incompatibility.
• If reflection tells you that you really did do something to merit the exclusion you experienced, try apologizing. Giving a simple apology for your behavior is a good fix that can help you heal more quickly. It works well because you'll feel as though you've done something social that also addresses the issue.

Look at your options. After the initial pain of rejection, most people move into an “appraisal stage,” in which they take stock and formulate their next steps.^[3] Acting to relieve this pain is natural, so what can you do to feel more included? Exclusion actually makes you more sensitive to potential signs of connection, more attentive to social cues, and more willing to please.^[4] Take advantage of this special moment of sensitivity to new connections! Ask yourself the following to see if you really want to make it work with the people who excluded you:

• Was this a "fluke" incident where I felt excluded even despite my friends' best efforts to include me?
• Are these excluders people with whom I am certain that I have a true, fulfilling connection?
• Would it help me get over what happened to have a talk about it? If so, would others be willing to explain their perspectives?