Question

PERSUASIVE MESSAGE – SALES

Relevant Concepts
•   Persuasive messages
•   External messages
•   Sales messages
•   Sentence structure
•   Verb tense
•   Punctuation
•   Number usage
•   Professional tone
•   Understanding your audience

The following external persuasive sales message is meant to get a client to pre-purchase copy paper in order to obtain savings. This message does not employ a professional tone and is unclear. Additionally, the message contains several verb errors (tense and passive voice), number usage errors, grammatical errors, spelling errors, sentence errors (run-on, comma splices, etc.), and style errors.

Instructions: Within the body of the e-mail below, highlight the sentences that contain errors. (Click once to highlight and click again to remove highlight.)

To: Malory E. Giant
From: [email protected]
Subject: Opportunity to save over 30%

Malory

I am reaching out to you with a special opportunity, as one of our most valued customers. Over the last five years, your 568 employees have used an average of 5,680,000 sheets of paper annually. This means your organization is purchasing an average twenty-two cases of paper a week or one thousand one hundred and thirty six cases annually. Based on this 5-year average, CTP Office Supplies is offering a unique opportunity to pre-purchase your paper for 2018 at up to a 30 percent savings. The list below shows the pre-purchase savings.

Cases Per Week: 6 – 10; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $53.19; Discount: 5%

Cases Per Week: 11 – 20; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $47.59; Discount: 15%

Cases Per Week: 21 – 30; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $41.99; Discount: 25%

Cases Per Week: 31+; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $39.19; Discount: 30%

Based on your 5-year average weekly paper purchases the pre-purchase of your 2018 paper supply will save your organization over sixteen thousand dollars annually. Better yet, we will store the paper for you. No need to have a place to store over 1,000 cases of paper. Simply place your supply orders as usual, and the paper will be delivered. Additionally if additional cases of paper are needed beyond the pre-purchase those cases will be offered at the same pre-purchase discount.

Your continued business success depends in part on CTP Office Supplies discounts. Please review the attached details regarding this pre-purchase offer, and know I will be happy to answer any questions. I look forward to our meeting on 8/7 at two and providing your organization with this and other cost savings.

                         ,

Kate          

--------------------------------

Kate G. Collins, Director of Paper Sales
CTP Office Supplies
Office: 740-555-5551 | Cell: 740-555-5554

Answer 1

Highlighting of incorrect sentences :-

To: Malory E. Giant
From: [email protected]
Subject: Opportunity to save over 30%

Malory

I am reaching out to you with a special opportunity, as one of our most valued customers. Over the last five years, your 568 employees have used an average of 5,680,000 sheets of paper annually. This means your organization is purchasing an average twenty-two cases of paper a week or one thousand one hundred and thirty six cases annually. Based on this 5-year average, CTP Office Supplies is offering a unique opportunity to pre-purchase your paper for 2018 at up to a 30 percent savings. The list below shows the pre-purchase savings.

Cases Per Week: 6 – 10; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $53.19; Discount: 5%

Cases Per Week: 11 – 20; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $47.59; Discount: 15%

Cases Per Week: 21 – 30; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $41.99; Discount: 25%

Cases Per Week: 31+; Regular Per Case Price: $55.99; Pre-purchase Per Case Price: $39.19; Discount: 30%

Based on your 5-year average weekly paper purchases the pre-purchase of your 2018 paper supply will save your organization over sixteen thousand dollars annually. Better yet, we will store the paper for you. No need to have a place to store over 1,000 cases of paper. Simply place your supply orders as usual, and the paper will be delivered. Additionally if additional cases of paper are needed beyond the pre-purchase those cases will be offered at the same pre-purchase discount.

Your continued business success depends in part on CTP Office Supplies discounts. Please review the attached details regarding this pre-purchase offer, and know I will be happy to answer any questions. I look forward to our meeting on 8/7 at two and providing your organization with this and other cost savings.

                         ,

Kate          

--------------------------------

Kate G. Collins, Director of Paper Sales
CTP Office Supplies
Office: 740-555-5551 | Cell: 740-555-5554

Correction of the errors :-

1) Incomplete subject . Opportunity to save 30 % on per purchase of copy paper .

2) Using a greet before name like Dear , Respected Malory ,

3) As per our Company records, over the last 5 years

4) Instead of writing the number of employees , one should address by saying your Company .

5) Instead of paper , the word office supplies should be used .

6) At up-to is incorrect . Either at should be used or upto can be used . Both cannot be used together .

7) Discount would sound more appropriate in comparison to savings .

8) Based on your 5 year weekly average of purchased office supplies

9) Use of comma before ,the pre purchase for the year 2018.

10) Instead of writing Better yet , one should write that as an additional service we will also provide storage facilities to store your pre purchases to remove Company's burden of extra storing requirements.

11) Your continued business success will manifold with additional discounts from CTP Office Supplies .

12) I will be happy to answer any further queries by your Company.

13) I am looking forward to our meeting on 8th of July at 2 P.M. where I am planning to breif more on the above discounts and cost saving .

14) Using of words like Regards or Thanking you before name is important.

15) One should always use full name in a business email. Instead of Kate , he must write Kate. G. Collins