Question

Task:

Review the following message below. While retaining all the essential content from the original message, rewrite the message to make it more concise and effective. At a minimum, make at least three of each of the following types of changes:

Changing I-voice to you-voice

Changing passive verbs to active verbs

Converting nouns or be verbs to action verbs

Removing it is/there are statements

WHO’S INVOLVED:

- Sabrina Zambreskie, president of Workforce Engagement Consortium

- Jen Asksins, HR manager at Sorenson Materials and Supplies

MESSAGE:

SUBJECT: Follow Up to Call

Hello Jen:

I want to express my appreciation for your call yesterday. It was my great pleasure to finally have a chance to have a conversation with you after so many back-and-forth emails. (3) It sounds like your company is really amazing. I believe you would be greatly benefited by joining the Workforce Engagement Consortium (WEC). There are many things we talked about, and I just wanted to provide a brief summary of the many benefits that are received by the member companies in the Workforce Engagement Consortium (WEC). I believe that this summary will be of help as you are in the process of making a decision about becoming a member of the consortium. I think the most basic benefits that are received by members include training and workshops, networking opportunities, and business discounts. Training and workshops are our most popular service, with over 95 percent of member companies participating on at least a monthly basis. We hold bi-weekly workshops on a variety of performance management topics. All workshops are placed online for any-time viewing. There are also over 140 online training sessions that are offered to members. We are proud to have weekly networking events that are hosted each Tuesday evening by one of our member companies. The average number of professionals at these events is typically around 50 to 60. There are many ways to increase professional network size, especially because there are professionals from all industries. Also, there are all types of fun activities, including trivia contests, wine-tasting, and many other fun activities. These activities are perfect ways to build camaraderie and excitement with employees of member companies. We also have negotiated deep discounts for our members with more than 60 nationwide companies. There are discounts of between five and eight percent that are available from various consumer and B2B vendors. Our average member company last year was able to save approximately $7,000 by using these discounts. We offer three membership levels. A platinum membership allows employees of member companies to attend up to 10 workshops and 50 online training sessions per month. Platinum member companies are allowed up to 10 employee admissions at networking events. Platinum memberships come at a $5,000 annual fee. A gold membership allows employees of member companies to attend up to 5 workshops and 25 online training sessions per month. Gold member companies are allowed up to 5 employee admissions at networking events. It comes at a price of $3,000 annually. Finally, a regular membership allows employees of member companies to attend up to 3 workshops and 10 online training sessions per month. Regular member companies are allowed up to 3 employee admissions at networking events. It costs $2,000 each year. Once again, I want to express my gratitude for your interest in the consortium. It would be our honor to have in you the consortium. I am always available to provide responses about any questions you might have. Best wishes, Sabrina

Answer 1

SUBJECT: Follow Up to Call

Hello Jen:

Thank you for your yesterday's call. Talking to you was a pleasure after many email exchanges. Your company sounds great and will benefit greatly by joining the Workforce Engagement Consortium (WEC). We spoke about many issues, let me start by summarizing the benefits a member company gets by joining the Workforce Engagement Consortium (WEC). This summary will help you decide on joining as a member of the consortium.

The basic benefits received by the members include training, workshops, networking opportunities, and business discounts.

Our most popular service is training and workshops and 95% percent of members participate on a monthly basis. Bi-monthly workshops are held on performance management topics. The workshops are online and can be viewed any time. The members are also offered more than 140 online training sessions.

Every Tuesday evening a member company hosts a weekly network meeting. The event is attended by 50-60 professionals. Professionals from different industries attend the meeting and this meeting helps in increasing the professional network size. Many types of fun activities are also conducted like trivia contests, wine-tasting, etc. These activities foster camaraderie and create excitement amongst the employees of the member companies.

Nationally deep discounts have been negotiated for our members with more than 60 companies. The discounts range from 5 to 8 percent from consumers and B2B vendors. Last year our member companies saved around $ 7000 using these discounts.

Three level of memberships are offered, Platinum membership, Gold membership and a regular membership.

The platinum membership includes 10 workshops and 50 online training sessions per month for the employees of the member company. 10 employees of member companies are allowed admission at the networking events. The annual membership fee is $5000.

The gold membership includes 5 workshops and 25 online training sessions per month for the employees of the member company. 5 employees of member companies are allowed admission at the networking events. The annual membership fee is $3000.

The regular membership includes 3 workshops and 10 online training sessions per month for the employees of the member company. 3 employees of member companies are allowed admission at the networking events. The annual membership fee is $2000.

Thanking you once again for expressing your interest in the consortium. We will be honored to have you join the consortium. Please feel free to contact us for any further queries in this regard.

Best wishes,

Sabrina