Question

Alice is planning a visit with her sister Jeannie, and her niece and nephew on the West Coast. She will be staying with them for the summer. While Alice is on the phone with Jeannie, Jeannie confides to her that she and her husband were filing for divorce. Both children are school aged, with the girl being two years older. The kids call Alice their “favorite Aunt,” and they have a high regard for her. Jeannie has asked Alice to help her talk to the kids about the upcoming divorce. After reading about the changes in the self that occurs during early childhood:

What are three things Jeannie can say or do to help the kids deal with the divorce?

What are the effects of divorce on children and families?

Should Jeannie and her husband stay together for the sake of the children?

The premise that CONFLICT rather than divorce may be the primary factor affecting WELL BEING in children. Do you agree with this premise? (Find additional research to support your response.)

What is your experience with divorce (personal or observational)?

Answer 1

Some children go through the divorce process of their parents with relatively few problems, while others have a significantly difficult time. It is normal for children to feel a range of difficult emotions; however, time, love, and reassurance may greatly help them deal and heal. If a child remains overwhelmed, though, it may be required to seek professional help.

The things Jeannie can say or do to help the kids deal with the divorce include:

• Brief education about whatever has transpired and the events that are likely to follow as part of the divorce process, in such a way as to not conceal important information as well as making sure to not overly furnish details that may have an aggravating impact.
• Allow for open communication and expression of emotions, since suppression may lead to unprecedented consequences/reactions in the future.
• Be a neutral role model, in such a way that, both showing the other parent in poor light as well as oneself as the hurt party, are prevented. Children must be made to understand in comprehensible and age-relevant ways that everybody is human and can make mistakes.
• Make it clear that the child is loved unconditionally and that it will continue, regardless of the nature of proceedings.
• Keep routines and start a new activity, so that no stark difference is noted by the child whatsoever, thereby paving way for the possibility of normalcy being restored as soon as possible.

Therefore, the core philosophy of the process must be held as being positive.

The effects of divorce on children and families may be seen in three ways:

On the child: The psyche of the child may be affected both in the short-run as well as long-run, which may be manifested as confusion, denial, fear, aggression, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and other unusual/problematic behaviours.

On the parents: The range of consequences may include worry, sleeplessness, nervousness, depression, different fears, anger, drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse, eating disorders, inability to fulfil demands at workplace and other harmful ramifications for the society.

On the social and economic situation in the family: The overall family income may decrease significantly, and children may have to be risen with a single salary. Further, social stigma may also have a bearing on the status of the family.

Overall, it may be considered universal that the ramifications of each situation are unique, and reshape our personalities and modify our thought processes in unique ways, especially considering the dynamics of today’s fast-paced ways of living. Further, depending on the nature of the divorce, each couple has a different way of going about the divorce. While one couple may be able to have a relatively amicable divorce, another may spend years sorting out legal issues. Whatever the situation, divorces can be brutal, and many studies by psychologists have noted that the negative effects of divorce on children and families result in a consistent change in the psychological and emotional nature of an individual, which further alters their social and personal life at a time when they may need stability.

Jeannie and her husband may decide for or against staying together, taking into consideration the following:

Despite all odds, it is certainly possible to bring up the children positively, with determination, effort and strength, and uphold marriage as an institution, which will raise the parent as a person in the child's eyes. However, in cases when things go out-of-hand, going for a divorce may be considered better than remaining in a bad marriage, as children suffer more when they see their parents fighting & abusing each other.

I agree with the premise that CONFLICT rather than divorce may be the primary factor affecting WELL BEING in children for the following reasons:

Negative outcomes in children have also been noted in intact families, with parental conflict being identified as a key mediating variable (Smith and Jenkins, 1991). Research comparing intact families experiencing high levels of conflict with lone parent families, found that children fared less well in intact families (Booth and Edwards, 1990; Slater and Haber, 1984, cited in Rodgers and Pryor, 1998), demonstrating that family functioning has a greater impact than family structure (McFarlane, Bellissimo and Norman, 1995) or divorce (Amato and Keith, 1991) in contributing to child outcomes.

Children may also be affected indirectly because of parental conflict leading to a reduced capacity in them to parent effectively, thus contributing to impaired parent-child relationships (Grych and Fincham, 1990) and a higher likelihood of anxiety, behaviour problems or withdrawal in their children.

My experience with divorce (observational):

I have conducted psychological therapy for several couples who were contemplating divorce and my biggest revelation was that on ‘’perspective.’’ I could never say concretely that one partner was increasingly right/wrong than the other. Each party had their unique reasons to land up in a given-up state. Therefore, the biggest take-away my clients walked away with was, to mindfully engage each day in making compromises and acknowledging the same to each other, so that neither of them felt unduly victimized and so that both the partners felt a sense of being rewarded after making a compromise, which fuelled as incentive to continue doing the same by taking turns.