Question

What about the side of marriages that we often omit from our discussions? Saving all my love for you? (Whitney Houston).

Answer 1

Everyone who gets married says, “I do.” No one says, “I do…until…I don’t.” Everyone who gets married wants the “I do” to last “until death do we part,” but too often it ends before then.

• Approximately 50% of first marriages end in divorce.
• 75-80% of men and women who have a failed first marriage will remarry, usually within five years.
• However, 66% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

So, what kills most marriages? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase. “I still love him/her, but I’m no longer in love with him/her anymore.” But that’s not the real killer. Falling out of love is just a symptom. The real killer is: “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.”

Let me explain. “Stinking thinking” is a term often heard in addiction recovery circles and speaks to the way addict’s mind works in a way that often gets them in trouble. For instance, one common expression of “stinkin’ thinkin’” is the thought “I’m only going to have one drink, no more.” For an alcoholic one drink is never enough. There’s a simple three-step description that summarizes what happens.

• The man takes a drink.
• The drink takes a drink.
• The drink takes the man.

When our mind is in one state of consciousness we assume it will remain there. When we take the first drink our mind is unclouded by alcohol. But once we’ve take drink #1, we are now operating from an alcohol-impaired mindset and for an alcoholic that is deadly. We don’t often think about love and addiction together, but there are some similarities and they can lead to the kind of stinkin’ thinkin’ that can kill a marriage.

“Without passion and pleasure, incompatibility sets in. We often become irritable, angry, and depressed. No one wants to be with someone they are incompatible with. It’s best to move on and find my real soul partner with someone who is a better fit for me.”

All of this is quite simple, but simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Anyone who has been in a successful, long-term marriage, knows it’s hard as hell. And yes, there will be times marriage is heavenly. But there will also be times when you feel “I’m going through hell.” But at times like these, it’s good to remember: “When you’re going through hell…don’t stop.”