Question

In: Psychology

How are we to understand the experience that many of us have had that we like...

How are we to understand the experience that many of us have had that we like someone when we are friends with them, and get along with them well, but when we get into a relationship with them we find we can't stand them and don't get along at all?

Solutions

Expert Solution

When we are involved in a friendship, we accept the person as they are and try to understand them and make them feel understood. However, in relationships there can be few reasons that make us less accepting and understanding towards the same person:

  • Unusual or unrealistic demands: Romanticism was an era that changed the outlook of how a romantic relationship should look and feel like. It took away the practicality from a relationship. The art, poems, movies, songs are the products of the era of romanticism. These causes us to form unrealistic expectations in our mind and unknowingly we follow it. Since that is all we have known all our lives and we do not any other way of how a romantic relationship should look like. Friendship is not romanticized and is therefore healthy and free of unrealistic demands. Whereas, romantic relationships are, and causes unrealistic demands from the other person which is pressurizing on both ends.
  • Dependency: Another detrimental product of romanticism is we tend to rely for our every need on the romantic partner. It is not possible for one person to fulfill all areas and enjoy everything with us. It is important to separate our personal lives and enjoy time and doing activities with friends, family, cousins and most importantly with ourselves.
  • Ideal partner: All of us have some mental image of a person that we want to spend our life with. We often tend to compare that image with the real person. And when these two do not match, we try to make it happen unknowingly, which might lead to bickering, nagging, arguments. When we are friends with the person, we accept them the way they are. But when we are involved in a romantic relation with them, we try to match the image in our mind unknowingly with the real person and we start trying to change them or not like this or that about them. When the expectations are not met it causes unrest and tensions.

Since it takes two to tango, this explanation can be for both end of the relationship.


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