Question

How does the parent-child relationship change during emerging adulthood?

Answer 1

Erikson (1968) thought of parenthood as the resolution of part of the generativity crisis, as having a child can mean the opportunity to care for or nurture another person as well as making a contribution to the future. He saw parenthood as part of the developmental process, especially for women. In his model a woman needs to develop her ‘productive inner space’ if she is to be truly fulfilled, and being a parent is one sure way to this fulfilment. Holmes and Rahe’s SRRS ranked becoming a parent (or gaining a new member of the family) as fourteenth in the list of stressful life events. Galinsky (1981) suggests that most people don’t actually realise how much their lives will change once they have a baby, and the tiredness and the disruption of the adults’ routines is a probable cause of pre-baby times being seen as idyllic, even though most of the couples interviewed said the baby was wanted and regarded as delightful. Since 90 per cent of adults do become parents (Bee 1994), it seems people view the rewards of parenthood as worth the stressors! Of course, this could be the effect of a social norm, the positive expectation and approval of having a child. On the other hand, many people also say that the desire for a child is an innate drive, nothing to do with social norms or society’s views or one’s own overt beliefs. Parenthood may be a planned state, or unplanned; it may be welcomed or unwanted; it can occur within or outside marriage; it can be the result of many different motivations.

Many parents feel a great increase in satisfaction when their children are grown and ready to join the adult world. This may be because of a sense of a job well done; the baby has been cared for, the child has been prepared for its adult life. Or it may be anticipation of the child flying the nest, leaving home to make her or his own way in life! Certainly the ‘empty-nest syndrome’, where one or both parents feel almost bereaved when their child moves on into adulthood and leaves home, is not experienced by all couples. There are individuals who do, deeply, miss their child or children and see their going as the end of the most important and enjoyable phase of their own life. But research shows that many people have the opposite experience. A large number of couples admit to relishing the rediscovery of their own freedom, each other, and other resources for themselves again (Bee 1994). This is enhanced if it is combined with feelings of pleasure and satisfaction in how the child or children have turned out.  

In the last few years another scenario has started to become more well-known, that is the ‘crowded nest’. This is where the adult child does not leave or returns to their family home and cohabits as an adult with their parents. Such adults have been termed ‘boomerang’ children, and a survey of over one thousand people aged 16 to 64 by BT Openworld (in The Times 21 March 2002) found that 27 per cent of young adults return home to live with their parents at least once, 10 per cent returning four times before they are finally independent. Of these adults 40 per cent still return home more than once a week for creature comforts, and 10 per cent of 35–44-year-olds still take their washing home. This may be the reason why 43 per cent of the parents do not develop a close adult relationship with their adult children until they have finally left the family home. A different and psychological interpretation of the crowded nest is really a socio-biological one. In our society today we have a much lengthened lifespan. Biologically we are designed to wear out and die after only a few decades, but this span is doubled and may lengthen more. A possible effect of this is a corresponding lengthening of pre-adulthood and young adulthood. It has been suggested that the antics of people in their twenties and even thirties are in fact a ‘new adolescence’ and that people are not maturing and becoming responsible adults until their mid-30s (Richardson 2001). Richardson also cites the high cost of housing and the importance of consumer goods as reasons for younger adults to stay with their parents and postpone adulthood. The research tracked nearly 200 young adults over five years, and the results are supported by research from Bath University. It is also suggested that continuing education into the adult years puts off financial and therefore traditional adult independence (in Harlow 2001). There may be an underlying socio-biological perspective to some of the more recent changes in parenthood. It seems we are descended from populations who had a far shorter lifespan than we now enjoy. Our life expectancy is more than double that of our hunter-gatherer ancestors and even our ancestors of a few centuries ago, and so it has been suggested that the stages in life, from childhood to adolescence, early then middle and older adulthood, all are now greatly lengthening. This could mean that a psychological change of attitude about life stages and expectancy has also come about, leading to new adjustments from both parents and their adult children. This is because the extended lifespan gives a much longer learning period and thus we can develop our intelligence and skills to a higher level which, obviously, is adaptive as it enables us to become more successful.