Question

Revise the following employment message following up after submitting a resume.

Did you receive my resume? I sent it to you at least two months ago and haven't heard anything. I know you keep resumes on file, but I just want to be sure that you keep me in mind. I heard you are hiring health-care managers and certainly would like to be considered for one of those positions. Since I last wrote you, I've worked in a variety of positions that have helped me prepare me for management. To wit, I've become lunch manager at the restaurant where I work, which involved a raise in pay. I now manage a waitstaff of 12 girls and take the lunch receipts to the bank every day. Of course, I'd much rather be working at a real job, and that's why I'm writing again. Is there anything else you would like to know about me or my background? I would really like to know about your company. Is there any literature you could send me? If so, I would really appreciate it. I think one reason I haven't been hired yet is that I don't want to leave Atlanta. So I hope when you think of me, it's for a position that wouldn't require moving. Thanks again for considering my application.

Answer 1

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Dear Sir/Miss, (no address, professional letters should have them.)

I am inquiring about the health-care manager position. I am still very interested in the position and I am continually improving myself to make myself a better manager and a health care professional. I know that if I get hired for this job I will be able to work with my team and improve productivity.

(of course they received your resume, you should not tell them things they already know but just restate your interest in the position and state how you are qualified.)

I have been improving my management skills by taking on more responsibility at my current job and I now am responsible for running a staff of 12 girls. I have also been given the responsibility of taking the receipts to the bank everyday and this is a very important responsibility at my current position. I know that I am constantly moving up the ladder at my current field but would prefer one in the healthcare industry. I have become a trust member of my current company and I know if I stay here they will be able to put more trust and more responsibility.

(why would you talk down about your own job, glorify it and your position there. State that you enjoy your job and the new responisibility that you have obtained. If you talk bad about your current job wouldn’t you talk bad about your new one?)

I am still located at 1234 university drive and my phone number 555-555-5555 is a good way to get in contact with me. I would like to state that I would prefer not to move from my current area but I am willing to for the good of the company and getting into the healthcare field.

( you want to remind them of your location and leave them with a good impression)

Sincerely

Whoever

1234 university drive

atlanta

2. Thank-You Message:

Thank you for the really marvelous opportunity to meet you and your colleagues at Starret Engine Company. I really enjoyed touring your facilities and talking with all the people there. You have quite a crew! Some of the other companies I have visited have been so rigid and uptight that I can’t imagine how I would fit in. It’s a relief to run into a group of people who seem to enjoy their work as much as all of you do.

I know that you must be looking at many other candidates for this job, and I know that some of them will probably be more experienced than I am. But I do want to emphasize that my two-year hitch in the Navy involved a good deal of engineering work. I don’t think I mentioned all my shipboard responsibilities during the interview.

Please give me a call within the next week to let me know your decision. You can usually find me at my dormitory in the evening after dinner.

Now, please revise the above message. Type your revised message below (A) and then WHY you revised what you did (B):

This is an example of a follow up letter. I am pretty sure a thank you letter should be a personal letter thanking the reference that they contacted.

Thank you, Professor Wimbly, for the wonderful and thoughtful comments that you provided. I know you did not have to say all those wonderful things about me but the fact that you did touches my heart. I want you to know that I got the position and will start my new position soon.

Sincerely

Mohannad

3. Letter of Inquiry:

I have recently received a very attractive job offer from Warrington Company. But before I let them know one way or another, I would like to consider any offer that your firm may extend. I was quite impressed with your company during my recent interview, and I am still very interested in a career there.

I don’t mean to pressure you, but Warrington has asked for my decision within 10 days. Could you let me know by Tuesday whether you plan to offer me a position? That would give me enough time to compare the two offers.

Now, please revise the above message. Type your revised message below (A) and then WHY you revised what you did (B):

I believe that this letter is a letter to request further negotiations.

Dear Warrington company,

I am still very interested in the position that I applied for. I have gotten way better at whatever that position is. I am qualified.

Here is a paragraph where I list the skills that you need for the job and How I have made strives to improve those skills.

This paragraph is where I give you my contact info and state my pleasure to be considered.

Mohannad

4. Letter Declining a Job Offer:

I’m writing to say that I must decline your job offer. Another company has made me a more generous offer, and I have decided to accept. However, if things don’t work out for me there, I will let you know. I sincerely appreciate your interest in me.

Now, please revise the above message. Type your revised message below (A) and then WHY you revised what you did (B):

Badly written and needs to be more formal.

Dear Company person,

I am regretfully must reject your offer of employment. I truly felt a connection to the company and know I could have become an integral part of the team. I do truly appreciate the offer you gave me though and I know if I did not receive this other offer I would have accepted.

The reason I am rejecting is that this company offered me more money, a better position and a corner office with a view. They also promised to fast track me to manager. I know that the next applicant though will be truly belessed to accept the offer. I thank you again for the offer is it important to me that you know I am glad that you offered me the position.

Sincerely

***********

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