Question

Define an “enmeshed” family, AND provide TWO examples of behaviors that might characterize an “enmeshed” family. Also, define an “disengaged” family, AND provide TWO examples of behaviors that might characterize an “disengaged” family .

Answer 1

• Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well.
• Enmeshment often contributes to dysfunction in families and may lead to a lack of autonomy and independence that can become problematic.
• A good example of this is when a teenage daughter gets anxious and depressed and her mom, in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed the mom is not able to separate her emotional experience from that of her daughter even though they both may state that they have clear personal boundaries with each other. Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other’s lives so that it makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible for her choices.
• Enmeshment occurs between a child and parent and may include the following signs for example;
  Lack of appropriate privacy between parent and child
• A child being “best friends” with a parent
• A parent confiding secrets to a child
• A parent telling one child that they are the favorite
• One child receiving special privileges from a parent
• A parent being overly involved in their child’s activities or achievements
• The causes of enmeshment can vary. Sometimes there is an event or series of occurrences in a family’s history that necessitates a parent becoming protective in their child’s life, such as an illness, trauma, or significant social problems in elementary school. At this time the parent steps in to intervene.
• Other times, and perhaps more frequently, enmeshment occurs as a result of family patterns being passed down through the generations. It is a result of family and personal boundaries becoming more and more permeable, undifferentiated, and fluid. This may be because previous generations were loose in their personal boundaries and so it was learned by the next generation to do the same. Or it may be a conscious decision to stay away from family patterns of a previous generation that felt overly rigid in its personal boundaries.
• Families that are enmeshed often have a set of spoken, or unspoken, rules that govern the member’s behaviors even into adulthood.For example;
• Don’t talk to outsiders about what goes on in our family. That is our business and our business only.
• What Mom and Dad say/believe/think/feel about you is what is right, never mind that you are 45 years old and have been on your own for 27 years.
• Whereas, in general, enmeshed families discourage personal boundaries, disengaged families tend to be cold and distant with each other. Children often feel lonely and isolated. Often, family members lead very separate lives and there is little feeling of emotional connection.In disengaged families parents often lack emotional attunement with their children.
• In ‘disengaged’ families, variations in the behaviour of one family member do not affect the behaviour of the others. Disengagement is the exact opposite of family ‘enmeshment’ and is principally found in under organized families, where there may be high levels of delinquency.
• For example, in an enmeshed family, parents will be extremely upset if a child will not eat his dessert, whereas the parents in a disengaged family may not feel concerned if their children steal the money to buy lunch.
• The seemingly pleasant suburban family in the movie Ordinary People provides a classic illustration of a disengaged family, according to the authors. Reacting to the death of their oldest son, the parents in the film retreat emotionally, creating a barren home environment in which feelings cannot be discussed.