Question

3.1 Radical Rewrite: Improving a Message About Checking References

         

Your Task. Analyze the following e-mail to be sent by the vice president of human resources to all managers:

• Step 1: Identify five or more weaknesses describing why each is a weakness. In addition to grammar faults, pay special attention to dangling modifiers, parallelism, and passive voice.
• Step 2: Revise this e-mail so that it reflects writing techniques you learned in this and previous chapters.

To:           All Managers

From:          Mark Sanchez <marksanchez@zycamindustries>

Subject: Improving Reference-Checking Procedures

With our recent increase in hiring, many of you are reviewing candidates’ applications and their references are being checked. Our CEO has asked me to provide all managers with guidance on how to check references to obtain the best information.

Generally, the two ways to check references are by calling or to make an inquiry by writing. Calling is preferred because its easier, can be done more quickly, and calling can reveal more. The main advantage of calling is that people will often provide more valuable information over the phone then they would in writing. However writing does provide stronger documentation. Which can be used to prove that you did your homework. References from former employers are likely to be more valuable than personal references, and can help avoid negligent hiring claims. Educational references should also checked when necessary

When calling to check references, several important steps should be followed to obtain the best information:

• Call once to schedule the reference check, then call back when you said you would.
• Plenty of time for the call should be allotted.
• Ask only about job-related information, do not ask inappropriate questions.
• Good notes should be taken, especially in relation to the candidate’s former employment.
• At the end, you should summarize and thank the reference for the information.

By following these guidelines, meaningful information can be obtained that will help you make the best hiring decisions.

Mark

Vice President, Human Resources | mark.sanchez@zycamindustries | Office: 455-390-5539 | Cell: 455-290-9760

Answer 1

1. Email can be addressed to only a single recipient. Hence, directing the mail to all managers is faulty. It should include the name of single manager and such mails should be sent to the numbers of intended managers individually.

2. Subject should be “improvement required in the reference checking procedure”

3. With our recent increase in hiring, many of you are reviewing candidates’ applications and their references are being checked. Our CEO has asked me to provide all managers with guidance on how to check references to obtain the best information.

The above statement is incorrect one. It should be structured as follows:

“As the company’s CEO has asked me to provide all managers with guidance on how to check references to obtain the best information, I am writing this email to you for providing you with the guidance on reference checks”.

4. Generally, the two ways to check references are by calling or to make an inquiry by writing.

The above statement is incorrect one. It should be structured as follows:

“Generally there are two ways for checking the reference of a candidate; one is through calling and another one is through making an inquiry by writing an email to the intended person”

5. Calling is preferred because its easier, can be done more quickly, and calling can reveal more.

The above statement is incorrect one. It should be structured as follows:

“Calling is preferred as it is easier and can be done more quickly. Calling can reveal more information”