Question

Hello, Can someone review my personal statement for a Fellowship and make it better?

Things I am hoping to accomplish... Showcase that my past experience will help me grow into being a great health administrator To show that I am selfless (sorry I have been working really hard on this and just cannot get it right) At the same time to showcase that I have been able to learn and study autonomously to pass two state mortgage and realty exams.

One of the best experiences I had was working at Wells Fargo. As a mortgage loan officer, I worked in a department that helped retired clients refinance their homes. Through that experience, I learned some harsh realities regarding healthcare. Many of my clients were living on low fixed incomes. Simultaneously, their objectives were relatively the same in that they wanted to lower their mortgage payments. What found was that the little leftover money some of them had were going towards office visits, insurance, and copays. With that in mind, my inquiry in healthcare began with learning about foundations and grants that could assist my struggling clients with their copays. Through conversation with my clients, I would advise them of foundations and grants that I knew of to lower there out of pocket costs for medications. It felt great to help out and made days at work amazing. At the same time, I was also helping retirees save money on their mortgages. The exciting part of all this is that I had finished two semesters of my master's in Public Health prior to working as a mortgage loan officer. My driving force in life is to help people, especially when they are down. This is doesn't make me unique in any way because I believe that there is no better joy than making someone smile. Although I was thrilled with my mortgage sales career, my wife from Tennesee wanted to start her career as a pharmacist, and we made a move down from Ohio. We couldn't have been more excited in that she was accepted to the University of Tennesee pharmacy school. Prior to moving down, I studied for the Tennesee real estate certification and soon after was licensed in Tennessee. As a realtor, I learned quickly to facilitate contracts involving multiple stakeholders and vendors, like puzzles, putting the right pieces together while connecting the dots. In both careers, I had opportunities to contact people around the US. I also learned that I needed to quickly build relationships over the phone in the shortest time possible. Through that experience, I made some great friends in Ohio, Illinois, New York, and Florida. Making friends and building relationships is one of my most considerable abilities. If accepted for the fellowship program at University of Houston, my past career experience will show my ability to create bonds, deal with vendors and stakeholders, facilitate contracts, and that I can learn quickly whether on the job or when needing certifications.

Answer 1

Greetings of the day!

HI DEAR , IT IS A PERSONAL STATEMENT AND YOU ONLY CAN ADD CONTENT TO IT BASED ON YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES, OPINIONS AND FEELINGS. YOU CAN DIVIDE IT INTO 3-4 PARAGRAPHS. YOU CAN REFER THIS CONTENT AND THEN MODIFY YOUR PERSONAL STATEMENT:

Answer:

Personal Statement

What it is:

• Your introduction to the selection committee. This is your story, written by you.
• Think of it as an intellectual or vocational autobiography. It should describe your interests, skills, questions and goals. It should clearly portray continued interest in your field of research and desire to learn more.
• A chance to demonstrate your ability to write and communicate effectively. A well-written personal statement with proper grammar and spelling, demonstrates your ability to write well, organize your thoughts and communicate clearly. Conversely, an unplanned, unpolished statement can unintentionally portray the writer as disinterested, unprofessional and careless.
• It should articulate your preparedness. Your personal statement should clarify how your past experiences, readings, curricular activities and extra-curricular activities have prepared you for your field.

What it isn't:

• A personal autobiography. A personal statement is not the time to write about your childhood, family or hobbies that are not relevant to your field or academic development.
• A resume of accomplishments in essay form. Do not simply list information that is already available in your other supporting documents (e.g., resume, transcript). Rather, you should provide context as to why your past accomplishments and experiences are significant to your academic and professional development.
• A plea for the scholarship. This is not the time to beg, plea or justify why you are more deserving of the scholarship than the other applicants. You are eligible for this scholarship for a reason. Focus on your accomplishments, not why your accomplishments make you better than others.

TIPS for writing a Personal Statement for Scholarship and Fellowships:

Every viable candidate for the most competitive academic fellowships has a high GPA and stellar recommendations. What distinguishes the top candidates (the ones who are invited for interviews) from the others is the quality of the personal statement. It needs to showcase your accomplishments as well as communicate your vision for what you could achieve in the future. Most importantly, your personal statement should make the selection committee members remember you and want to meet you in an interview.

There is no single formula for writing a successful personal statement, just as there is no single profile of a fellowship winner. If you apply for multiple awards, you will likely have to write multiple versions of your personal statement, since different organizations look for different qualities in their candidates. Below are some general guidelines:

Personal statements for graduate fellowships and scholarships differ from personal statements for college admissions. While college admissions committees are looking for academic promise and potential interests, fellowships selection committees expect you to demonstrate professional expertise and insight in the field to which you are applying. For most study and research awards, it helps to think of the statement as an intellectual autobiography that defines a specific academic problem that interests you, explains how your particular work fits within the broader scholarly or professional field, proves your own expertise through detailed descriptions of past achievements, announces what you hope to do after the fellowship, and connects your proposed fellowship opportunity with these areas. In other words, you should tell a story of increasing expertise over time (especially in your college years) that leads smoothly into your plans for the future.

Choose examples wisely. When proving your claims, try to avoid anecdotes that only show the ways in which an event, course, or experience affected you. Instead, focus on examples that show your expertise, your approach to solving problems, your effective leadership, or another trait that you hope to showcase. What have you already done that will make a selection committee excited to invest in your future?

Successful personal statements cannot be written in one sitting or even in one week. Starting early is essential, and early may mean months in advance of the submission deadline. Some applicants write several very different draft versions of a personal statement before deciding which approach works best for them. Show drafts of your personal statement to as many people as you can (with the exception, of course, of awards like the Rhodes and Mitchell, which have rules against this). People who know you well should be able to read your personal statement and recognize that only you could have written it, that it doesn't sound at all generic. People who don't know you well should be able to read your personal statement and understand the major points you want to convey.

Make sure there are no grammatical errors in your essay and that the writing style is graceful by the time you are showing it to a campus committee. Take time to read your essay aloud and edit ruthlessly to avoid clichés and repetition. This essay needs to be representative of your very best work; make sure you give it the time it deserves!

What to Include in Your Personal Statement:

Professor Stacy Hubbard from UB's department of English breaks down what you should include in your personal statement.

• Origins of interest in a particular field. This could be a book you read, a lecture you attended or an experience you had.
• Ways in which you have developed your interest. Additional reading, experiments, internships, coursework, summer jobs, science fairs, travel experiences, writing projects, etc. Give some details about what you gained from a particular course or how a particular project or paper has helped you to develop intellectually.
• Reasons for changes in your interests and goals. These changes could be addressed in positive, rather than negative, terms. Instead of saying "I became bored with engineering and switched to physics," try "Through a bridge-design project, I discovered a new interest in thermodynamics and decided to focus my studies on physics."
• Reasons for inconsistencies in your record. If there is anything unusual or problematic in your record (poor grades, several school transfers, time away from school, etc.) this information needs to be explained in as positive a way, as possible. If you were immature and screwed up, then you matured and shaped up, say so and point to the proof (improved grades, a stellar recent employment record, etc.). Remember, failure of one kind or another, if you learn from it, is good preparation for future success.
• Special skills you have developed, relevant to the planned research. This could be general knowledge of a field acquired through reading and study or special practical skills (data analysis, fossil preservation, interviewing techniques, writing skills, etc.) that will qualify you to conduct a particular type of research. Be specific about how you acquired these skills and at what level you possess them.
• Character traits, talents or extra-curricular activities outside the field that help to qualify you. If you are particularly tenacious about overcoming obstacles, creative at problem-solving, adaptable to unfamiliar circumstances or just great at organizing teams of people, these qualities can be mentioned as relevant to the research experience. Sometimes the evidence for these traits may be other than academic; Have you have overcome a disability or disadvantage of some kind in your life? Have you persisted in a particularly challenging task? Have lived in different parts of the world and adapted to difference cultures? Have you organized teams of volunteers in the community? Make clear what traits have been developed by these experiences and how these will help you in the research experience. Acknowledge your strengths, but do so humbly.
• Knowledge and/or skills that you hope to acquire through participation in this opportunity. What is particularly intriguing to you about this opportunity? How will it help you to acquire new skills or carry forward your own research questions?
• Emerging and ongoing questions. What kinds of unsolved puzzles, problems or potential research paths are of interest to you? Which of these have you explored in school or extra-curricular projects? What sorts of projects do you hope to pursue in the future?
• Future plans and goals. Do you plan to go to graduate or professional school and in what field? What are your post-graduation goals and why? How would this research opportunity help you to achieve those goals?

The Do's and Don'ts:

Do:

• Adhere to the rules. Note the proper page layout, format and length, and adhere to it.
• Use proper spelling and grammar. An easy way to have your application overlooked is to submit it with spelling and grammatical errors. Use spell-checkers, proof-read and let others review your application, before you submit it.
• Show your audience, don't tell them. It's easy to say "I am a leader," but without concrete examples, your claim isn't valid. Give an example of why you believe you are a leader.

Don't

• Don't try to tell them everything. You can't cram your entire life into one personal statement. Choose a few key points to talk about and let your other application materials (resume, letter(s) of recommendation, application, interview, etc.) tell the rest of your story.
• Don't use clichés. Things like "since I was a child" or "the world we live in today" are commonly found in personal statements and don't add any value.
• Don't lie or make things up. Tell the truth. This is not the time to fabricate or inflate your accomplishments. Don't try to guess what the committee is looking for and write what you think they want to hear. Invite them in to get to know the real you.

EXAMPLE:

ALL THE BEST, I HOPE THIS WILL HELP.