Question

Can someone read my college essay prompt and give me suggestions?

1. Describe an example of your leadership experience in which you have positively influenced others, helped resolve disputes or contributed to group efforts over time.

I had never dialed 9-1-1. But, when I saw the empty Tylenol bottle in a picture one of my cadets texted to me, I knew I had to act. I understood that this was a plea for help. I didn’t have time to wonder if this was legitimate. I saved her life by calling 911.

I used this traumatic experience and realization of the importance of mental health as I worked up to be a top leader in JROTC. Since without a healthy mind you cannot do anything because there is no motivation. So I made it my main goal to ease my cadets into feeling like they could communicate me in order to avoid situations where they get this hopeless. Thus I acted a mother figure to them by asking them about their grades to talking to them about their family. I heard about their mother being a prostitute to her alcoholic fathers which let me understand their behaviors and not judge them when they lashed out. They could also understand me too when I was in a bad mood because of my autistic brother who screams at night leading me to sleep less.

   I furthered this support system by teaching them cooperation towards each other. One example of how I did this was teaching them games like doing musical chairs, however, there was with a twist. Instead of the traditional one person fighting for one person per chair, we all had to fit in that one remaining chair. This taught us to work together instead of against each other. It might seem silly but I felt like it helped because they got closer through having fun together. I also planned weekly outings to places like the beach or the mall in order for them to be in a setting that they enjoyed together. This gives them a positive association with each other which showed in there work and let them talk to each other on a personal level.

Answer 1

There is no problem with the content. However, a few minor changes can be done in order refine the sentence formation.

I had never dialed 9-1-1. However, when I saw the empty Tylenol bottle in a picture one of my cadets texted to me, I knew I had to act. I understood that this was a plea for help. I didn’t have time to wonder if this was legitimate, I instead saved her life by calling 911.

I used this traumatic experience and realization of the importance of mental health as I worked up to be a top leader in JROTC, given that without a healthy mind you cannot do anything because there is no motivation. So, I made it my main goal to ease my cadets into feeling like they could communicate with me in order to avoid situations where they feel hopeless. I offered to be either a primary or a secondary care-giver, by asking them about their grades, to talking to them about their family. I heard about their mother being a prostitute to her alcoholic father that helped me understand their behaviors and not judge them when they lashed out. They could also understand me, when I was in a bad mood because of my autistic brother who screams at night which leads to sleepless nights.

   I furthered this support system by teaching them cooperation towards each other. For instance, I taught them games like playing musical chairs with a twist, as opposed to the traditional game which involved fighting to be seated one per chair. This taught us to work together instead of against each other. It might seem obnoxious however I reckon it helped us get closer while having fun together. I also planned weekly outings to places like the beach or the mall for them to be in a setting, which they enjoyed together. This gives them a positive association with each other which reflected in their work and let them talk to each other on a personal level.

PS. Please go through it. I made a few changes.