Question

Read the following case and give your response to the questions after the case. The client is a married woman in her late 30s, with 3 children who are approaching their teens. She has been in weekly therapy for 6 months. She is struggling to decide whether to remain with her husband, whom she feels is boring, uninvolved with their children, complacent, and overly wrapped up in his work. She has urged him to join her in marriage counseling or try some form of therapy for himself. He maintains that he is "fine" and that she is the one with the problems. She tells you (the counselor) that she would divorce him immediately if it wasn’t for the kids and that when the children finish school, she will surely leave him. Right now she is ambivalent, however, she cannot decide whether she wants to accept the security that she now has (along with the deadness of her relationship with her husband) or whether she is willing to give up this security and risk being stuck with less than she now has. She has been contemplating having an affair so that someone other than her husband can meet her physical and emotional needs. She is also exploring the possibility of finding a job so that she will be less dependent upon her husband. By getting a job, she could have outside opportunities for personal satisfaction and still remain in her marriage by deciding to accept what she has with him. Consider the following 3 questions and decide what value judgements can be made, both by the client and you as counselor.

1). One of her reasons for staying married is for the sake of the children. What if you (as the counselor) accept this value and believe that she should not challenge her marriage, because children need both parents? Might she be using the children as an excuse not to get out? What if your judgement is that she would be better off divorcing? What do your beliefs about divorce, marriage, and children have to do with her possible decisions.

Answer 1

It is mentioned that "one" of her reasons for staying married is for the sake of the children, it shows that she is not totally selfish about her decision and that she still has love for her family. However, contradictory to her belief, it is not necessary that children need both parents. What children need are parents that function together collectively as a couple. Otherwise one good parent is better than two bad parents. One of her reason for staying in marriage is her children, but at the same time she is also contemplating an affair which reflects a bad role model for the children. Her "reason" needs more scrutinity to rule out as an excuse .

The children are reaching their teens and can take care of their basic needs as their emotional needs seems to be lacking anyway. They will be more prone to a dysfunctional family since the father is not ready for counselling and the mother is now almost convincing herself that it is alright to have an affair. If the marriage is not heading towards reconcilation, before taking the big leap, separation without divorce will be better off mentally and emotionally for everyone in the family. The parents might do better for each other and their children when they don't live under one room. It could also be a breaking point for the negligent husband to contemplate their marriage issue.

Divorce should be the last straw for every couple. This affects not just the couple but everyone who has been a part of the family from this union. This includes not only the children but the in laws, friends and relatives. However, if separation seems to benefit everyone then one can conclude with a divorce.