Question

Bussines Communications

6-14 Message for Analysis 6.A: Revising to Improve Readability (LO-2) Analyze the strengths and weaknesses of this message, then revise it so that the follows the guidelines in Chapter 4 through 6:

As an organization, the Noth American Personal Motorsports Marketing Association has committed ourselves to helping our members- a diverse group comprising of dealers of motorcycles, all-terrain vehicles, Snowmobiles, and personal watercraft- achieve their business objectives. Consequently, our organization, which usually goes under the initials NAPMMA, has the following aims, goals, and objectives. Firstly, we endeavor to aid or assist our members in reaching their business objectives. Second, NAPMMA communicates ("lobbying" in slang term) with local, state, and national government agencies and leaders on issues of importance to our members. And lastly, we educate the motorsports public, that being current motorsports vehicle owners, and prospective owners of said vehicles, on the safe and enjoyable operation of they're vehicles.

Answer 1

Strengths:

• The overall message is able to leave an impact

Weaknesses:

• The usage of first person, while referring to the organization, is not appropriate
• Some sentences are unnecessarily long
• Various grammatical mistakes in the message

Rewritten Message:

As an organization, the North American Personal Motorsports Marketing Association (NAPMMA) has committed to help the members- a diverse group comprising dealers or all types of motorcycles achieve their business objectives. To facilitate the same, NAPMMA has the following mission, goals and objectives:

• Aid or assist the members of the organization in achieving their business objectives
• Interacting with various local, state and national governmental agencies and leaders on issues pertaining to overall benefits of the members
• Educating the motorsports audiences about the features of the motorsport vehicle and the various safety measures to be adopted while using the same